Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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