trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
