Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
