Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
