Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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