Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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