Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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