It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
