My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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