So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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