im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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