i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
