your thong is hanging out like whoa
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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