we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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