Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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