legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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