Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
