i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
