i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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