I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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