My liver just broke up with me...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
