Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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