remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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