I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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