Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
