Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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