I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
