We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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