I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
