sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
