Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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