OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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