Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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