Don't make out with my wife yet
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
high people should be assigned attendants
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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