you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
