I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
