She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
