I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
