How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
