Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
