So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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