if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
