I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I need to calm my uterus...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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