i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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