I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
