I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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