1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just gift wrapped bread.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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