obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
