What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
