This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
