I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
