I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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