Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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