How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
