i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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