your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
