he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
