Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
