I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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