Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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