This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
