this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
