it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
